Notes to self

Number 1

When having a shower because you’re getting ready to go out (a school reunion; I almost didn’t go but it ended up being a really good evening so I’m glad I did – even though one old school friend, who I haven’t seen for the best part of thirty years, on learning of my marital status said, “I know the perfect man for you!”

*blink*

The same old school friend, who’d gone through an acrimonious divorce, later said, “Ooh, you’re so lucky your husband died!”

*blink*

Good job I’ve got a warped sense of humour. It’s also a good job that I’ve heard of other women it’s been said to, so I was sort of prepared to hear it one day, although she nearly ended up being sprayed with the mouthful of drink I’d just taken. But anyway, I digress, I’ll start again)

In future, during your shower, don’t use this:

when washing your, ahem, lady bits.

It will cause a burning sensation that can in no way be described as pleasant and will make you walk funny.

Number 2

After you’ve re-showered due to the uncomfortable sensations ‘down there’ and you get dressed, do not think it will be a good idea to wear these to the aforementioned school reunion:

After wearing them and standing up for the best part of five or so hours, your feet will not thank you. Your feet too will make you walk funny.

And finally:

Number 3

When reminded by a male school friend, who you also went to infant school with, that you used to play Doctors and Nurses at the aforementioned infant school, try not to go too red. Just laugh.