Only I would go and buy a book that has nothing to do with the place I visited.
Much like going to Bakewell, home of the Bakewell Tart, going to the Bakewell Pudding Factory and ordering a slice of coffee and walnut cake. I really don’t know what I was thinking – I love Bakewell Tart. And I didn’t have any, or buy any to bring home. What a twat.
Also like being in Bakewell, going into one of the gift shops and coming out with a fridge magnet which is not in any way, shape or form relative to Bakewell. Once again, my inner moron took over.
Anyway, back to my book. I only gave it a cursory flick through before I paid for it. Had I have seen one of the places they’ve recommended before I’d parted with my cash, I think I’d have replaced the book back on the shelf, and bought another irrelevant-to-the-place fridge magnet and a slice of carrot cake instead.
This particular recommended ‘most amazing place’ has now made me doubt their judgement about the majority of the other places they’ve included.
The only explanation I can come up with for the inclusion of this place, is that the researchers got up to 999 places then developed Unusual, Beautiful and Captivating Fatigue. They’d had it. They were just too weary to go and find the thousandth place. So out of desperation and because they were probably up against a deadline, they included…
I can’t do it.
I don’t want to type it.
It’s just wrong.
You can’t make me.
I need wine.
Forget that, make it a large single malt.
[swig of malt]
Okay.
Here Goes.
The place included is...
[deep breath]
[another swig]
It’s...
[wail]
Southend Pier.
They have got to be kidding.
In the introduction of the book it says, and I quote, “…we have found 1000 amazing places where you may see or learn something to make your jaw drop.”
Oh yeah, Southend Pier’s inclusion made my jaw drop alright, and not in a good way.
The description in the book says, “The Pier is a breathtaking spectacle at first sight…”
Breathtaking? I really don’t think so. Whoever wrote that should be done for gross misrepresentation.
Once again I quote, “In spite of enormous changes in holiday habits, Southend Pier remains a magnet.”
What - like shit sticks to a blanket?
I’ve a good mind to write to them and tell them if they think Southend Pier is worthy enough to be included, then so is my front garden - they could, and should, include it in future revisions of the book.
I do not claim my front garden to be beautiful or captivating, but it could take one’s breath away.
My front garden currently boasts:
two vans (one with a broken window – visitors can marvel at the way the glass is hanging on in there, and for a few pence can take a small piece of glass home as a souvenir – I’ll even bubble wrap it);
two motorbikes (although SORNed, they could be rigged up to provide a fairground-type ride – hah! Southend Pier doesn’t offer that);
scaffold poles (could be used for ride – see above);
a ten foot long steel lintel (good for the kiddies, test their balancing skills);
an old garage door (could be propped up and used as a graffiti wall – byo spray cans);
a couple of nearly empty bulk bags – one with ballast in it (good for an archaeological dig – “ooh look mum, I found a pebble!”), the other with gawd knows what in it (I’m not looking – there’ll probably be all sorts of nasties in there – but excellent for a minibeast hunt);
a cement mixer (three possible uses: 1. another ride for small children (under adult supervision), making sure they haven't eaten before getting in - otherwise they'll puke; 2. a polisher for any pebbles found during archaeological digs of the bulk bag; 3. if puke is present, bung in pebbles to create Polished Pukey Pebbles™©).
Running next to my front garden is a ditch – which during the summer months tends to be dry – so I feel this would provide opportunities for a bit of a trek. During the winter, after prolonged heavy rain, white water rafting could be a possibility.
If visitors want to feel the fear, instead of looking down between the planks on the pier to see water below them, for a small fee, I’d open the door to the garage to show them the heap of shite that’s in there. That’s real fear.
At the moment there is also an added feature:
A bird appears to have spontaneously exploded – this provides a chance for any forensics amateurs to hone their skills.*
*Disclaimer: I (The Management) cannot guarantee this attraction will always be available – it depends on the local cats.
If the compilers of the book genuinely think Southend Pier ought to be included (and they obviously do because it’s in there) then, as I typed earlier, on that basis, I seriously think my front garden should be in there too.
In future when visiting any places of interest, I will give myself a good talking to, take firm control and buy something relevant to where I am.
Southend Pier, my arse.
