An Educational Day

Lesson One

I reported a fault on my landline, and an engineer was sent out. When he turned up, I was sorting through some washing and without thinking, I opened the door.

Bad thing: the phone engineer saw my knickers.

Good thing: they were clean.

Lesson learnt: Big, baggy, knackered elastic, should-be-white-but-now-sludge-grey colour - as long as you can make a decent cup of coffee, it doesn’t matter what your knickers look like.

Lesson Two

After a long, thoroughly enjoyable boozy lunch with Wise One at the newly refurbished local pub (which I’m very impressed with by the way – big, big improvement on the shite hole it was previously. It’s now a pub where ‘ladies wot lunch’ can go. And me), I walked home.

Bad thing: Talking to myself out loud about fake boyfriends got me looked at.

Good thing: I talked myself out of it.

Lesson learnt: It takes alcohol to make me see sense.

Lesson Three

Once home, I thought it would be a marvellous idea to carry on with the near impossible jigsaw puzzle Eldest Daughter sent me (yeah, cheers for that Eldest Daughter – what did I ever do to you?).

Bad thing: It’s on a puzzle board on the floor, the box of pieces next to it. When I stood up, my foot caught and tipped the box and all the bits went flying in all directions.

Good thing: While searching for bits, I also found £1.72.

Lesson learnt: Move furniture more often. Very profitable.

Lesson Four

After finding all jigsaw bits (if I haven’t, it’ll add to the ‘joy’ of doing the bastard of all puzzles), and pocketing the money, I decided to phone my closest friend, Kindred Spirit.

Bad thing: She wasn’t in, so I left a message on her answerphone.

Good thing: My ramblings about fake jigsaw puzzles and boyfriends knickers made her laugh.

Lesson learnt: Wine helps me get over my hatred of leaving answerphone messages.

Lesson Five

After pouring myself another glass of wine, I then decided to carry on knitting a scarf I’ve started for Eldest Daughter.

Bad thing: It now has more holes than I’ve got in my knickers.

Good thing: It made me feel better about the state of my knickers.

Lesson learnt: While it takes wine to help me appreciate my underwear, knitting under the influence is a big no-no.

Final Lesson

My head was starting to get full up with all these lessons - far too many for one day – so I decided to go to bed with my wine and a book.

Bad thing: I spilt the wine.

Good thing: The sheets needed changing anyway.

Lesson learnt: Taking a glass of wine to bed is not a good idea, although a good book provides excellent emergency soaking up qualities.