Who's Afraid? That Would Be Me

I am in hiding.

Who am I hiding from?

It’s not a ‘who’, it’s a ‘what’.

Toward the latter part of last week, I was sitting here idly mooching around the internet, with the radio on in the background, when the news came on. I wasn’t really paying much attention, until I heard the words, “Holy shit, there’s a feckin’ snake on the loose”.

Okay, maybe they’re not the exact words the newsreader said, it could have been, “There’ssss a feckin’ ssssnake out there, and it’ssss coming to get you. Muahaha”. That’s what my brain heard anyway.

It’s a six foot boa constrictor, and it escaped from its owners house a few miles from here.

When I first heard about it, I thought, ‘okay, keep calm. It will be found (dead preferably). Don’t panic, although it's only a few miles, that's far enough.' But days have passed now, and as far as I’m aware, it’s still out there and my inner scaredy cat is starting to freak out, because it just knows the boa is making its way here.

Wait.

I have an inner moron, an inner dragon and now an inner scaredy cat? Flipping ‘eck, it’s getting a bit crowded with all these inners. Hope they all get on together (multiple personality disorder anyone?). They may merge into one and become an inner moronic scaredy dragon.

My fear of worms is thisbig compared to my fear of snakes and is something that’s very well known amongst my family and some friends.

One evening, years ago, I was reading the Radio Times (for non-UK readers, it’s a TV and radio listings magazine), the kids were doing homework (a.k.a. watching some crap on TV) and Significant Other was probably disembowelling a washing machine or something.

All was quiet until I suddenly flung the magazine across the room. Both the kids looked at me with astonishment. If they’d been old enough to get away with it, they’d have said, "WTF??" (Although if they had said it, I don’t think it would’ve registered – you missed your chance there kids!)

There was a photo of a snake and my reaction in hurling the magazine away was an involuntary one. I made them go through that damn magazine to find the picture, got them to cut it out and then, before putting it in the bin, they had to cut it into tiny pieces, so that the next time I went to throw something away, I wouldn’t see a snake staring up at me.

While they were doing it, I could vaguely hear them muttering to each other. Something along the lines of, “Wtf?”

I also have people warning me if there are snakes in films. During the week I mentioned to a friend that I was finally going to watch Casino Royale at the weekend. A couple of days later, I received a call advising me that a few minutes into the film, there’s a scene where there’s a fight between a mongoose and a cobra. It was duly noted.

So on Sunday, I sat through the first few minutes of Casino Royale with my hands over my eyes, squirming when I could hear spitting.

After that I settled down and enjoyed the film (move over George Clooney; Daniel Craig + dinner jacket = phwoar).

Back to the current situation:

On the local radio Facebook page, someone posted this:

Let me assure you that this snake poses no threat to human life and will only bite if cornered and tormented. The snake may well be stressed and feel very vulnerable. If you see the snake, please do not harm it, remember this is someone’s pet, furthermore you will also face charges of animal cruelty. Just call the police and let them know where it is and if possible stay with it and make sure no-one touches it until a handler arrives.

“The snake may well be stressed and feel very vulnerable.”

Not as stressed and vulnerable as I’m feeling right now mate. There’s a pile of heavy books holding down the lid on the toilet seat. Never before have I lifted the lid on the loo with such trepidation. I saw Porky’s, so I KNOW they can come up the toilet.

“…remember this is someone’s pet…”

For fecks sake – PET? Why do people have snakes as pets? Why? Why?? WHY??? What’s wrong with these people?

“…If you see the snake…” and “…if possible stay with it…”

You have got to be feckin’ kidding me. If I see that thing I’ll be at the other end of the country within minutes. If possible, the other side of Europe. Powered only by my legs. It’ll happen so fast people will wonder whether it was a bird or a plane that streaked by.

Stay with it, my arse.

And no, I will NEVER, as long as I have a hole in said arse, watch the film Snakes On A Plane.