Goldilocks and the Three Twats

Years had passed since Goldilocks had allegedly gone to a forest, broken into a house, foraged for food, wrecked some furniture, then got scared shitless and run away when the owners of the house came back and caught her messing up their beds.

Goldilocks had grown up, got married, had two daughters, got divorced, met and married another man who, many years later, very sadly died. Her Eldest Daughter decided to move to the other side of the world, which left her Youngest Daughter still living at home, along with two cats (whose names she’d pinched from two of the seven men Snow White was shacked up with).

One evening, Youngest Daughter asked her mother if she’d like to go to a comedy night with her being held at the gym where she used to work. (Youngest Daughter had jacked her job in a couple of weeks previously, as the manager was a complete and utter arsewipe who also totally took the piss regarding working hours, days off and non-payment of overtime.)

Although Goldilocks had come to accept and was mostly at peace with her husband’s death, the second anniversary was fast approaching and she was feeling a little blue. Goldilocks thought an evening of comedy sounded like a jolly good idea, so off they went - with Goldilocks checking very carefully that she wasn’t wearing any leopard print before they left the house. Goldilocks stepped outside her front door, paused, then went back inside and looked in the mirror to double check there wasn’t even a hint of leopard print, be it outerwear or underwear.

An evening of comedy ensued, although Goldilocks, along with the rest of the audience yawned through the first so-called comedian’s act. However, again along with the rest of the audience, she thoroughly enjoyed the last of the three acts - an extremely potty mouthed comedian. So humorously foul-mouthed was he, that Goldilocks even cried with laughter a few times.

At the end of the show, Youngest Daughter and her friends decided the night was still young and wanted to go clubbing. They urged Goldilocks to go with them, although most of them hadn’t realised Goldilocks was in fact Youngest Daughter’s mother.

During the evening, Goldilocks had consumed an alcoholic beverage or three, so she agreed to go the club with them. As they all walked through the car park to get to their respective cars, it became apparent to one or two male members of the group that Goldilocks was related to Youngest Daughter.

“No way did you squeeze her out,” said a disbelieving Whopping Great Twat to Goldilocks before turning to Youngest Daughter and saying, “This is your mum? This ain’t your mum. I don’t believe it.”

Not sure whether to be repulsed or flattered, Goldilocks’ mind firmly swung in the favour of revulsion when the words, “I’ll do you first, then I’ll do your mum,” slithered out of Whopping Great Twat’s mouth in Youngest Daughter’s direction.

“Over my dead body, you fucking dickhead” muttered Goldilocks.

Goldilocks began to feel a little apprehensive about going to the club after that, but was assured that all would be okay by some of the other people there.

After being driven by Youngest Daughter to the club (because Goldilocks never drinks and drives), she was standing in the queue waiting to get in, when I-Think-I’m-Handsome-So-That-Makes-Me-Awesome-And-God’s-Gift-To-Females Twat said to Youngest Daughter, “Your mum’s well fit. How would you feel if you saw me at the breakfast table tomorrow morning?”

“Sick,” responded Youngest Daughter, rolling her eyes, while Goldilocks began to silently review her decision about entering the club.

Goldilocks and Youngest Daughter managed to avoid any further twat outbreaks once they gained admission to the club by escaping to the Ladies, although they did hear a female talking to God in one of the cubicles (more than likely Sleeping Beauty, making up for all those years she'd missed out on. Probably drugs involved, as well as alcohol), so they didn’t stay in there too long and headed for the dancefloor.

Time passed, dances were danced, Goldilocks and Youngest Daughter breathed sighs of relief and declared the dancefloor a twat free zone.

After a while Goldilocks decided she was thirsty, so she went to the bar and was patiently waiting to be served when suddenly her arse was slapped and groped by Little Twat, a friend of Whopping Great Twat.

Goldilocks didn’t appreciate her personal space being invaded.

“Back off or fuck off,” she growled at him.

Little Twat backed off, had the sense to apologise and offered to buy her a drink. Goldilocks forgave him, accepted the drink and although she kept a wary eye on him, he behaved himself for the rest of the evening. He even made Goldilocks and Youngest Daughter laugh when he started dancing, because his dance moves were like those of Albert Brennaman in the film Hitch. Except Albert Brennaman was endearing and Little Twat wasn’t.

By 1am (up yours, Cinderella), Goldilocks started to flag a bit, but more importantly she’d spotted Whopping Great Twat making his way towards her. Not keen to have her ears assaulted by so-far-over-the-line-the-line-couldn’t-be-seen-anymore crap, she grabbed Youngest Daughter, they said a few hasty goodbyes, fled the club and made their way home via MacDonalds as they both had the munchies (it was the early hours of Monday morning and the kebab shop was shut).

It’s unlikely that Goldilocks will ever return to the club, home of the Three Twats.