(Otherwise Known As Lessons Learnt The Hard Way)
When shaking a bottle of sauce, don't go to the trouble of checking the lid is screwed on properly. This is a quick way to creatively redecorate your kitchen.
Make sure your daughter's favourite woollen jumper gets washed on a normal cycle in the washing machine. Her younger sister will be pleased to have a new item of clothing for her doll.
When it's blowing a hooley outside, make sure to stand upwind when washing out a wheelie bin with a hose, so you get an impromptu shower. The same principle also applies when emptying out the lawnmower grassbox. If you can do both while standing upwind - wheelie bin, followed later by grassbox - you'll give the neighbours a good laugh.
Leave your phone in the kitchen, then wash the floor. Before it's dry and your phone rings, you can rush to answer it. There's much merriment to be had in slipping and falling over.
Your toddler wants to prove she's a budding artist, so leave your handbag open within reach of her. Look with appreciation at the abstract lipstick artwork on the wall.
When emptying your new Dyson for the first time, ensure you pull the trigger to release the contents onto the floor before you get to the bin. You can then spend ages happily re-vacuuming the dust you've already collected once.
Make sure you leave a bottle of cooking oil somewhere your three year old daughter can reach it. Doing this ensures she gets the opportunity to pour it all over the kitchen floor. Even better, let her do it just before the gas man turns up to install your new cooker.
When cleaning the bath, lay the shower head down, rather than putting it back in the holder. Turn the shower on to rinse the bath, but forget to pick the head up and you'll get the chance to wash your hair at the same time.
When making a rare foray into your daughter's bedroom to liberate cups etc, make sure you praise her for the impressive science experiment she's cultivating in a mug under the bed after you've put your hand in it.
When it's blowing a hooley outside, but it's otherwise a great day for getting washing dry, don't bother securely pegging your duvet cover to the washing line. Then you can have fun retrieving it by clambering across a ditch into the field next door. This will also give the neighbours a good laugh.
First thing in the morning, put the plug in the bath, turn on the taps, then go back to bed and fall asleep. It's a good way to ensure the kitchen below gets a thorough cleaning.
In the garden, stand on a wooden table to cut back some trees. Standing on the table will save you the bother of getting the ladder out. Don't worry about checking first to see if any of the table legs are rotten, because there's much laughter to be had when your husband tries to catch you, unfortunately fails, and you land in a heap on the rockery.
Leave the stiff bolt on the bathroom door, so your young daughter can lock herself in there. She can then play with cold water and subsequently be unable to unlock the bolt. To make it more of an experience for both of you, let this happen when you're eight and a half months pregnant, at a time when you're feeling and looking like a beached whale. Then get someone to advise you to try and kick the door in to release your daughter.
If you're feeling adventurous, wear flip-flops while using a kangol hammer drill to dig up a patio. Later, you can listen to your mother having a fit at the other end of the phone when she sees the photos (sorry Mum), while you're quietly picking bits of paving out of your feet.
Again, if you're feeling a little adventurous, when washing up make sure there are plenty of bubbles and put sharp knives into the bowl. Also known as Russian Roulette, kitchen style.
Invite your friends over and hold your own foam party in the wetroom after your daughter uses copious amounts of bubble bath instead of shower gel.
A day or two before school photographs are due to be taken, leave a pair of scissors within reach of your children. You'll cherish the picture of your youngest daughter with a fringe like Herman Munster.
When you have a builder in and you're taking photos of work in progress, make sure the flash is on when using the camera. This way, you can watch him jump when the flash goes off while he's removing electrical wiring. You may also get the chance to learn some new vocabulary.
After putting bread under the grill for toast, walk away and forget it. The smoke alarm will let you when know your house has been fully fragranced with essence of burnt bread.
During the hair colouring process, walk into your bedroom, remove the old, dye covered towel you've got round your shoulders and fling it on your pristine white duvet cover. A bit later, after you pick the towel up, stand back and admire the new pattern on the duvet cover.
The research above is by no means exhaustive, but I feel I have to stop before coming across like a complete and utter idiot. In my defense, this research has taken years to compile, although I will admit that three of the items above have occurred during the last week. Ah well, live and learn, that's my excuse. Or perhaps I'm an idiot.
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