I enjoy sharing my house with my two female cats, Grumpy and Dopey. While writing the previous post, I realised they could quite easily take over, so here they get an entire post dedicated to them.
When changing a duvet cover, make sure at least one cat jumps inside it to help you. Then spend quality time inside the duvet cover with your cat, trying to get it out without your feline friend putting a full set of claws through the cover or yourself.
When eating your dinner while watching TV, leave the tray on the sofa and go into the kitchen to get yourself a drink. On your return, you'll find at least one of your cats enjoying the extra meal you've carefully prepared for them.
Encourage your cats to bring frogs/mice/birds into the house. The whole family finds this an exhilarating and bonding experience.
Sometimes you should allow your cat to creep onto your pillow while you're asleep at night. When you wake up, you can look lovingly at the view of your cat's arse an inch from your face.
Let your cat curl up and sleep on the black skirt you've laid on the bed ready to wear later. White cat fur on a black skirt will start a new fashion trend. To cover all bases, let your black cat leave her fur on your cream blouse. This is a good look too.
Your cat is a frustrated interior designer. Congratulate her for redesigning your net curtains after chasing a fly.
Keep your cat entertained by letting her watch you peel yourself off the ceiling, after she's lovingly wound her way around your legs and managed to trip you up. The best time for her to do this is after you've had an operation and have stitches. In return, you can watch your cat covering her ears with her paws when you decide, there and then, to rename her Multiplying Little Cat Without A Named Father (work it out).
Your daughter's boyfriend picks up a stray malteser from the floor. Watch how much pleasure he displays when he quickly realises it's not a malteser...
Your cat wants you to have a cat's eye view of places. Helping you get up close and personal with the floor is one of the ways she achieves this objective.
Descending the stairs with an armful of items is made more interesting when, unseen by you, your cat places herself on the last but one tread. She wants to aid you and your items get down quicker.
If you want to test your hearing and see how strong your stomach is, try to distract your cat to save the mouse she's playing with in the garden. Watch her quickly kill the mouse and then listen with relish to the crunchy noises.
You don't need to set an alarm to wake you in the morning. You'll be just as happy to be roused by your cat putting her cold, wet nose in your armpit. As a snooze alarm, let your cat walk across your face.
In the course of packing your suitcase for your holiday, your cat will decide she wants to go with you. She demonstrates this by jumping in and going to sleep in there.
Do not expect your cats to show any pleasure on seeing you when you return from your holiday, until they're hungry. Then, and only then, will you feel and hear the full force of their love for you.
During the middle of the night, while you have no carpet on your stairs, you can listen with amusement to your cats running up and down them, making sure they sound like a herd of elephants.
Watch one of your cats sniggering at the other one when it's time to go to the v.e.t.'s. You'll think you're being very inventive as you try to entice her into the cat carrier, but you'll be surprised at how much more inventive your cat can be while dodging the cat carrier. You can also marvel at just how many claws your cat has and what she can dig them into.
Get yourself a tropical fish tank. Your cats will think you've bought them an interactive television.
When walking to the bathroom in the middle of the night, don't wear slippers. This allows you wake up properly after you get cat sick between your toes, which has been delicately left just outside your bedroom door.
Let your cat show you how intelligent she is when she hisses at a cat door stop.*
Get two cats as pets who really don't like each other. Your legs will be useful as somewhere to hide behind, ensuring they get swiped first.
On a sunny day, leave your back door open. Later, walk into your kitchen to unexpectedly find a dog in there. Observe your cats suddenly becoming temporary best friends, united in a common cause, although trying to outbest each other in the bogbrush tail display.
Let your cat welcome a visitor to your house. One of the ways she can do this is by suddenly jumping onto their shoulder. This will really endear your cat to your visitor, and will make sure future visits are always accompanied by the nervous question, "where's the cat?"
When you're laying on the sofa watching a film, your cat will help you realise how full your bladder is by kneading her paws on you. Then you can spend precious moments with her trying to unhook her claws from your clothes. She'll aid you in your desperate quest to get to the bathroom by letting you do this one claw at a time.
*To be fair, I didn't witness this; the cat concerned was being looked after by friends at the time, who found it amusing. As do I, although when thinking about it, I'm not totally surprised she did it, because to paraphrase AA Milne, she is a cat with very little brain.
Life here would certainly be very different without the cats, but I have to say it would definitely be duller. Quieter, but duller.
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