The Glue Dilemma

One thing I’m not short on is tools, although many of them are buried somewhere in the garage. What I am short on, is hands. Don’t get me wrong, like the vast majority of people I have two, but it would be so handy to have more (heh heh, see what I did there?).

To continue with my Staircase Saga, when Nob the Builder installed the stairs he blocked in the underneath of them. He did the best he could, but because of all the different angles involved it looked, well, crap.

It looked like it had been planned by a two year old who had got hold of an etch-a-sketch, drawn a few lines, shaken it a bit, drawn a few more, et voila! I ended up with something that looked like it had been barfed up by a Transformer. Autobots... puke up!

After emailing photos to my parents, discussing it over the phone, and deciding painting it wasn't going to improve it, we rapidly came to the conclusion that it needed to come off. Post haste. Then it could be made good, leaving it looking like cosy corner eventually. My dad came up from Down South and started to do just that, but then for one reason and another it’s been left.

Recently, I looked at what needed to be finished and decided to give it a go, so I could get on with painting underneath.

I dug out the mdf and after measuring and drawing my lines, needed to cut it, but I couldn’t find a decent saw, so I used a small hacksaw. Which was fine until the end of it got in the way.

So I switched to a big hacksaw.

Which again, was fine until the end of it got in the way. So I took the blade out of the hacksaw and just used it like that.

ThenthebladebrokebutIcarriedonusingit (Hi Mum, earplugs working ok? Hi Dad, Mum could do with a cup of tea - put plenty of sugar in it alright? My hands? They're, er, cat scratches).

Standing on a step ladder, trying to hold up bits of mdf, trying to hold and use a pencil, trying to hold a hammer, and trying to use a tape measure are not easy things to do with one pair of hands (note to self: in future, don’t answer the door to Jehovah’s Witnesses with a mouth full of panel pins).

After eventually getting the main bits up, I was left with a strip of an inch and a half wide to fill. I needed to glue the mdf into place because there was nowhere I could pin it. Look, I’ll show you a picture:

My dilemma was holding it in place somehow until the glue took hold. I couldn’t use clamps because for one thing I have no idea where they are – garage probably - and for another I’m not sure I’d have the right sort of clamps.

I briefly speculated on whether I could use either Grumpy or Dopey, by holding one of them up and getting them to hook their claws into either side. After a bit of consideration, I discarded that idea because:

1. I didn’t think whichever cat I chose would take too kindly to being hung upside down.

2. They’d wriggle, therefore dislodging the piece of mdf I wanted held in place, thus defeating the object.

3. They’d leave claw marks which I’d have to sand and/or fill. And I’ve had my fill of that (heh heh, did it again).

I then thought about giving my friend, Pink Crystal, a ring and seeing if one of her younger, more adventurous cats would be up for it, but discarded that idea too on the grounds of it taking too long to go and collect the cat.

Oh and the fact that my cats would get the right hump at their territory being invaded - watching three cats doing the wall of death around my living room, when all I wanted was a piece of sodding mdf held in place, was not in the plan.

That left me having to stand there holding the mdf up until the glue took hold.

Do you know how long wood glue takes to dry? I'll tell you. When you need to go to the loo, it feels like feckin’ hours is the answer. A few minutes into holding the wood in place:

My Bladder: Er, excuse me.

Me: Yes?

MB: You remember those two cups of coffee you had a bit earlier – the two you had one after the other?

Me: Oh yes, they went down a treat.

MB: Well, see, thing is, I need to get rid of them.

Me: Now?!

MB: I suppose I can hang on to them for a bit.

Me: You’re gonna have to mate.

A few more minutes later...

MB: Erm...

Me: Not now.

MB: But...

Me: Go away, I’m busy.

MB: Yes but...

Me: Are you deaf?

MB: But I really...

Me: Shut it!

Another five minutes later...

MB: I can’t do this for much longer.

Me: Yes you can.

MB: I’ll try.

Me: Damn right you will.

A few more minutes later...

MB: I really need to go.

Me: No you don’t.

MB: Yeaaah, I do.

Me: A few more minutes.

MB: No can do I’m afraid.

Me: You bugger.

I had to let go of the mdf and it fell off.

On the plus side, while parked on the loo, I peeled glue off my hands. What’s that? Too much information? Tough. I like picking glue off my hands.

Deal with it.